Discouraged. Yes, I am. Last week marks the 1-year anniversary of the "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad," absolute WORST day of my life. It was THE day, the day my son told me that he was going to live another lifestyle, in essence go against everything he'd ever been taught. On that day, every dream I had for him was crushed. They all died along with a big part of me.
It's been a tough year. I'm sure that there have been some ups, but honestly, I remember all the downs. I remember the revolving door of friends that I saw on Facebook, the pictures that I didn't want to see, comments I didn't want to read, disappointments that I never wanted to become reality. It's been without doubt the hardest year of my life. I've been depressed and just discouraged. I want this to be over. I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare. I know that some of you who'll be reading this have dealt with these feelings for way more than 1 year. I know there are some who've dealt with this for more than 20 years. I'm sure the feelings are the same though. You too want this nightmare to be over. Mostly I think we just want the pain to end. The latest in my painful saga is that my son is moving 3 hours from us. He's moving on the exact date on which he moved out last year. That's not a happy date for me. He's moving on to more and bigger. And I don't mean in a good way. I try not to let my mind go there, but sometimes it just does. It's gone before I can stop it and realize that those thoughts are not what I need to be dwelling on.
So what do we do? Well, the Bible says that David encouraged himself in the Lord. “...But David encouraged and strengthened himself in the Lord his God.” 1 Samuel 30:6 AMP. How did he encourage himself? I believe that he sang, praised, danced, worshiped, and recalled what god had already done for him. In 2 Samuel 6, there's the story of how he danced in the streets in his underwear and embarrassed his wife when he was celebrating the return of the ark. Verse 22 has always been one of my favorites where he says that he'll "become even more undignified than this" in celebration and worship to God. We need to worship God through all of this, and the only way to do that is to override our will and just do it. I have to dig myself out of a pit regularly. I have to cancel my pity party. No one wants to attend that party with me anyway. It's hard. It's not what my flesh wants to do. But my choices are to let myself go down to the pit of depression again or pull myself out of it by worshipping the One who knows how and when all this is going to end.
Then David asked God what he should do. I'm very certain that if I asked God what I should do before I went into my pity party that He would tell me not to go there. Sometimes though, it just comes on me before I can stop it. A wave of deep, dark sadness just overtakes me and here come the tears (like in Walmart last night looking at birthday cards for him). That's when I have to stop, encourage myself, and pray.
My method of encouragement is to remember the verse that God gave me when this journey began last year. Jeremiah 31:16-17. I can't post it enough so here it is again.
“Stop your crying and wipe away your tears. All that you have done for your children will not go unrewarded; they will return from the enemy's land. There is hope for your future; your children will come back home. I, the Lord, have spoken.” Jeremiah 31:16-17 GNT
Yes, it was given to me in that version too, a version that I had rarely, if ever, read before. And I put my son's name in there. It's written on my bathroom mirror with his name in it. I remind myself of what God has said. I remind myself that my son will return from the enemy's land. Then I remind myself of Hebrews 10:23 ...for He who promised is faithful.
I also remind myself of what God has done for me in the past. God has answered many, many prayers for me before. I know that God is real. I know that His promises are true. I know that He is faithful, and I know that He knows best. I'm so impatient in this process. I want it to be over NOW. I want the next phone call from my son to be THE one, the one where he tells me that he's heard from God and that he's turning his life over to Him completely and thoroughly, the one where he's renouncing his sin and returning from the enemy's land. When the last call wasn't the call I expected then I have to start the process of encouragement, recall and recite my verse, turn on the praise music, pray, and let it go once again. It's a process and a journey, but I'm not on this journey alone, although I feel that I am at times. God is always with me. My husband is a source of strength. My church friends are fully aware and are praying for us all, and I have a great support group of people who are also on this journey, some of them are parents on this journey like me and some of them have been in the lifestyle and have come out and turned their lives over to Christ. What an encouragement that is!!! There is life after following the wrong path for years...not 1 year...YEARS. That's a great encouragement to us all.
God knows what He's doing. No, he's not in control of my son's will. He is, however, in control of circumstances and situations around him, and He's orchestrating my son's return from the enemy's land.
This song is an encouragement to me. I can't sing it without crying yet (like a lot of others), but it ministers to me. Here are the lyrics, but look it up on YouTube and play it.
Shepherd by Bethel
In the process
In the waiting
You're making melodies over me
And your presence
is the promise
For I am a pilgrim on a journey
You will lift my head above the mighty waves
You are able to keep me from stumbling
And in my weakness
you are the strength that comes from within
Good shepherd of my soul
Take my hand and lead me on
You make my footsteps and my path secure
So walking on water is just the beginning
Cause my faith to arise, stand at attention
For You are calling me to greater things
Oh
how I love You
how I love You
You have not forsaken me
Oh
How I love You
how I love You
With you is where I want to be
Be encouraged my fellow sojourners!! We win!!