Motivation. Hmmmm. Sometimes it's just hard to have any. It's hard to get motivated to get up in the mornings, hard to cook meals for my family, hard to keep the house clean, hard to go to work, just hard to get motivated enough to even want to breathe some days.
I've written this blog in order to be an encouragement to those struggling with or dealing with loved ones with SSA/SGA/homosexuality. In all honesty, some days , a lot of days actually, it's hard to be encouraging. It's hard to not cry when I think of where my son was headed and where he's headed now. It's hard to face the reality of the situation I'm in. I have lots of unanswered questions and some questions I do know the answer to, and I don't like the answer. A big question is, "Why me, us, him?" I can answer some of that, but then I can't answer some. Why? Because we live in a fallen world with a real enemy that hates us as much as God loves us. I would even say more if that were possible. Just as we can't comprehend the love God has for us (Ephesians 3), we can't comprehend the hate the devil has for us. If you'd like a fictional perspective on that, read Demon: A Memoir by Tosca Lee or This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness by Frank Peretti.
Another question I have is "How?" Well, there are lots of ways. I have to accept my responsibility here also. In what I thought at the time were helpful ways of raising my son turned out to be very harmful. It wasn't my job to protect him from every hurt of the world like I did because the way I went about it was wrong. A parent should never put their children ahead of their spouse, whether you're married to their biological parent or not. It's not how God intended it to be, and when we don't do things His way, it creates problems. I thought my role was to defend him and protect him from further hurt because he was abandoned by his father. While that may be true to a certain extent, it wasn't okay to put his needs, wants, desires ahead of everyone else's in the family. It was wrong of me to try to protect him from my husband (his stepfather) when he wasn't trying to harm him. He was only trying to raise a man. I didn't see it that way at the time. It's pretty clear now, but what's done is done. There are lots of other factors that contributed to the "how" of it all, but I'm only responsible for my part.
Then there's the "who". There's the role, or lack thereof, of his dad, the role of his stepdad, his sister, his grandmothers on my side of the family (they're pretty much man haters anyway), the role of the coaches in school and in summer sports, the boy in the leadership role at the Bible college that he trusted, the college itself and how an incident was handled, the church, and the list could go on. The bottom line is that my son still made the choices. Yes, his perspective was skewed, but he still made the choice to act on "feelings" rather than to deal with them. And let's be clear, I'm not blaming anyone. I'm saying we all played a part, albeit a part of which we weren't aware. Had we known his perspective was so skewed, I'm sure everyone mentioned would have done things differently, but the fact is that we didn't, so here we are dealing with the aftermath.
While I don't like the answers to any of the questions above, I really don't like the answer to the next one. When? When did this happen? I don't know. When will this end? I don't know. That's the question that haunts me. When will it end? When will I wake up from this nightmare? When will my son be back? When will he return from the "far country"? I don't have an inkling of an answer for any of those questions. And I like answers. I like to solve problems and puzzles. I like to stay on them until I figure them out. Well, this is not that kind of problem or puzzle. I can't stay with this one until I figure it out because I can't find this answer, and the answer can't be known by any human. My answer to this one is, God knows. He knows. He knows exactly when my son will get the revelation that he's living a lie, that these things don't satisfy, that his "friends" really aren't friends, that God's way is the only way.
So now what? Trust God. What else can I do? He's given me His promise that my son WILL return from the enemy's land. He WILL come back home (to God). Jeremiah 31:16-17. And if that's not enough for me, He's given me other Words:
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. (Hebrews 10:23 NKJV)
He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds. (Psalms 147:3 NKJV)
So what's my motivation? Faith. That's the answer. I don't have the answers, but I know who does. He'll let me in on the answers when I need to know. Until then, I have to just trust that He knows because He does. He's never let me down, and He won't start now.
I've written this blog in order to be an encouragement to those struggling with or dealing with loved ones with SSA/SGA/homosexuality. In all honesty, some days , a lot of days actually, it's hard to be encouraging. It's hard to not cry when I think of where my son was headed and where he's headed now. It's hard to face the reality of the situation I'm in. I have lots of unanswered questions and some questions I do know the answer to, and I don't like the answer. A big question is, "Why me, us, him?" I can answer some of that, but then I can't answer some. Why? Because we live in a fallen world with a real enemy that hates us as much as God loves us. I would even say more if that were possible. Just as we can't comprehend the love God has for us (Ephesians 3), we can't comprehend the hate the devil has for us. If you'd like a fictional perspective on that, read Demon: A Memoir by Tosca Lee or This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness by Frank Peretti.
Another question I have is "How?" Well, there are lots of ways. I have to accept my responsibility here also. In what I thought at the time were helpful ways of raising my son turned out to be very harmful. It wasn't my job to protect him from every hurt of the world like I did because the way I went about it was wrong. A parent should never put their children ahead of their spouse, whether you're married to their biological parent or not. It's not how God intended it to be, and when we don't do things His way, it creates problems. I thought my role was to defend him and protect him from further hurt because he was abandoned by his father. While that may be true to a certain extent, it wasn't okay to put his needs, wants, desires ahead of everyone else's in the family. It was wrong of me to try to protect him from my husband (his stepfather) when he wasn't trying to harm him. He was only trying to raise a man. I didn't see it that way at the time. It's pretty clear now, but what's done is done. There are lots of other factors that contributed to the "how" of it all, but I'm only responsible for my part.
Then there's the "who". There's the role, or lack thereof, of his dad, the role of his stepdad, his sister, his grandmothers on my side of the family (they're pretty much man haters anyway), the role of the coaches in school and in summer sports, the boy in the leadership role at the Bible college that he trusted, the college itself and how an incident was handled, the church, and the list could go on. The bottom line is that my son still made the choices. Yes, his perspective was skewed, but he still made the choice to act on "feelings" rather than to deal with them. And let's be clear, I'm not blaming anyone. I'm saying we all played a part, albeit a part of which we weren't aware. Had we known his perspective was so skewed, I'm sure everyone mentioned would have done things differently, but the fact is that we didn't, so here we are dealing with the aftermath.
While I don't like the answers to any of the questions above, I really don't like the answer to the next one. When? When did this happen? I don't know. When will this end? I don't know. That's the question that haunts me. When will it end? When will I wake up from this nightmare? When will my son be back? When will he return from the "far country"? I don't have an inkling of an answer for any of those questions. And I like answers. I like to solve problems and puzzles. I like to stay on them until I figure them out. Well, this is not that kind of problem or puzzle. I can't stay with this one until I figure it out because I can't find this answer, and the answer can't be known by any human. My answer to this one is, God knows. He knows. He knows exactly when my son will get the revelation that he's living a lie, that these things don't satisfy, that his "friends" really aren't friends, that God's way is the only way.
So now what? Trust God. What else can I do? He's given me His promise that my son WILL return from the enemy's land. He WILL come back home (to God). Jeremiah 31:16-17. And if that's not enough for me, He's given me other Words:
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. (Hebrews 10:23 NKJV)
He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds. (Psalms 147:3 NKJV)
So what's my motivation? Faith. That's the answer. I don't have the answers, but I know who does. He'll let me in on the answers when I need to know. Until then, I have to just trust that He knows because He does. He's never let me down, and He won't start now.